my mother's last day here.
it's supposed to be a momentous occasion. a son isn't going to see the woman who birthed him and cared for him and raised him for an entire year and then some. it should be a day when the world moves a bit slower and things seem important and people say wonderfully interesting things. maybe there could be a parade. people at the hotel should surely know. they should bring us some flowers or maybe some fruit. something should happen. the weather shouldn't be cloudy and drizzly. the streets should be a lot cleaner. we should all be beautiful and fit.
my fantasies don't change anything. they just make me frustrated.
jason ended up sick today. he was given a piece of fermented pork wrapped in banana leaves and he ate it. well, i told him to eat it and that was a mistake. i thought it would be rude not to eat it. i ate mine and feel fine. he ate his and now is in bed watching nine ball billiards tournaments. he's really sick. the benefit of him being sick is that i'm able to spend more time with my mother. she leaves tomorrow morning. we spent all day together.
we had breakfast and walked around. that was nice. we talked about nice things but things that didn't feel important enough for the situation. we made comments on vietnam and ho chi minh city.
we went back to our room and watched tv. we watched the news and made comments about cnn and bbc and the war on terror and freedom and america and iraq. it was all interesting but none of it was important enough. i wasted my last afternoon with my mom watching television and complaining about the world.
we went to get myself a haircut. i had a mullet for a while. for those of you who don't know, a mullet is a hair style in which men (and occasionally women) will ask for their hair fashioned short on the sides, a bit longer on the top and a little longer even in the back. if it's done properly the hair will form a seven when seen from profile. 'business in the front, party in the back.' i grew mine as a joke because i would never be able to grow one at home. my hair in the back turned out to resemble more of a rat's nest than anything. it curled oddly and was too thin. my mother had a pedicure and a manicure. she laid back in a chair with three ladies swooping all around her. they picked out a red color that's extra flashy. i had my hair cropped short. they also washed it and gave me a face massage. that was nice but a bit too personal. that didn't feel like a complete waste.
tonight we're going out to supper, going to bed, waking up in the morning and the lady that fostered my life will leave me for another year. she says she will cry and already has made attempts as we walk along. part of me wants to curl up in a ball and lay on my bed and think about all the wonderful times in my childhood. that part of me would cry for hours and have someone take me back home to harleysville where everything is safe. that's about 45% of me. the other part of me wants mom to leave so that life will be back to normal. this part of me will stand emotionless when she leaves and will wave and feel pain. the pain will be quick. there is much living to take part in. that is another 45%.
the remaining ten percent will be decided when she actually leaves. having her here makes me feel warm and safe. i fear that i'll be vulnerable when she leaves. i'll probably brush everything under an emotional rug and let it fester until i'm actually home.
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