-^-for posterity-^-

it’s three o’clock in the morning and i’m sitting alone in a dark room. i haven’t felt this alone for the past month or so. this morning i took my brother to the bus station. he’s going to saigon to catch an early morning flight. i’m not going to see him again for more than a year.

we drove on my motorcycle through empty streets. everything was dark and quiet and cold. we didn’t talk. we were tired and didn’t know what to say. we arrived at the bus station and bought tickets. we put his things on the bus and still didn’t talk. we didn’t know what to say. we stood next to a semi-full bus looking at one another. here is what i saw: i saw a man who was beautiful and full of potential. i saw a man who could do anything. i saw large hands and a full face. i didn’t see the little boy that used to run around with me. i didn’t see that skinny boy. i saw a man.

we hugged and he boarded the bus. we said things like, ‘i’ll really miss you man.’ and things like, ‘dude, take care of yourself.’ we didn’t need these formalities but we went through them. he boarded the bus. i looked at him through an open window. we looked at each other and cried. we cried silently, not sobbing. tears welled up inside me and i didn’t make an effort at suppressing them. i stood on the sidewalk in the middle of the night wishing things could be different. i realized he was leaving. i felt alone, more alone than ever. i stood there and cried and wished things could be different.

the bus didn’t move for ten minutes. we didn’t say anything which was fine. we didn’t have anything left to say to each other. it left.

i followed the bus with my eyes and could see my brother turning around. i walked over to my motorcycle and everything exploded inside. having my family here and spending time with them. feeling like i was a part of something bigger and better. feeling like i was loved and cared for and respected. having people hug me. spending meals laughing and fighting. i loved being with my family. now they were all gone and i was trying to kick start my motorcycle on a desolate street in the middle of no where at three o’clock in the morning. i stood there sobbing. i stood there weeping. i stood there with warm tears rolling down my cheeks. they were my last hope and only friend. i drove home slowly. the tears blurred my vision. i’m still crying and don’t know if i’ll ever really stop.