-^-for posterity-^-

every once in a while it is necessary to escape from the mekong and enjoy a nice weekend in ho chi minh city. these weekends normally consist of laying around in hotel rooms, ordering pizza (a luxury we are not afforded in long xuyen) and being generally as lazy as possible.

in our favorite hotel, the glorious 'huy hoang' (means 'splendor' but is far from wonderful), we normally watch hbo on television. every afternoon there is a series of movies and one can sit back and waste their life. the movies are the most horrible movies i have ever seen. here is the plot of two of them.

movie 1:
this movie stared dick van dyke, famous for his horrible cockney accent in mary poppins. however, instead of jumping from rooftop to rooftop and singing with his fellow chimney sweeps, he was saving the world from a group of bioterrorists. i kid you not.

mr. dick van dyke (an unfortunate name) was now old. he sported a mustache and a paunch. his top-hat and grin were replaced with a checkered shirt and a furrowed brow.

i only saw the end of the movie and regretted not seeing more.

movie 2:
this movie starred superman (the one that fell of the horse and is in the wheelchair), dr. quinn medicine women (don't know if you all know her, she's austrailian and stunning) and the von trapp family's father from the sound of music. it was a star studded cast and i expected a wonderful film.

well, superman is living in a nice hotel for the summer. the film is set in the late 70's and his hair is to be envied. he is, by profession, a play write. his life in the hotel is fairly bland. he is, in fact, working on a new play. the twist comes when he learns about an old actor played by dr. quinn. she is a stunner, one of the first actors ever to take america by storm.

the next twenty minutes or so are wastes by superman looking at pictures of dr. quinn on the wall. he starts to fantasize about her, he kisses the grainy black and white photo. it turns out that, before the lady died, she actually met superman in tokyo and had given him a watch she carried. the movie is, at this point, extremely bland.

oh, and then the twist!

superman goes to find one of his old professors and asks one of the most philosophically charged questions anyone could pose.

'professor so and so, i have a question.'

'yes?'

'is time travel possible?'

and that's it. the play write superman listens to the beanie headed professor talk to him about how time travel is possible and how, during a trip to italy back in the 50's, the professor stumbled on a secret. how do you time travel? easier than you think.

simply lay back on a bed in a bare room. you must be wearing the clothes from the time period you want to visit. you must repeat over and over again the time you want to arrive in. for example, play write superman, now clad in a comical brown tweed suit with a tiny bowler cap, laid on his bed and said, 'july, 1912. july, 1912. july, 1912.' for about 20 minutes of the movie. then, all of the sudden, it was july, 1912.

ah ha! perceptions of reality! what is real and what isn't! this was a philosophical masterpiece rivaling the dick van dyke thriller about bioterrorism!

so, he meets this actress and they fall in love. he doesn't tell her he is from the future, but he gives her the watch (the same one she gives him in the future! don't you see? it's all circular!) and they kiss. however, nothing can be this wonderful in such a thriller for so long.

the second twist.

after a wonderful meal where dr. quinn medicine women and play write superman who traveled back through time by thinking were talking, play write superman who traveled back through time by thinking stands up and admires his humours brown tweed suit.

dr. quinn tells him that he should by a new suit and play write superman who traveled back through time by thinking says 'no.'

he reaches through his pockets with a childish grin on his face. he pulls out something and, ah! no! it is a penny from 1979! such a time paradox could not possibly exist and play write superman who traveled through time by thinking is left screaming back to the present. he is lost without dr. quinn. he loves her and doesn't eat for a week. not eating for a week killed him. i can't verify the scientific support for this, but i'm sure it's possible if you travel back through time only to have your heart broken.

the last scene of the movie is dr. quinn and play write superman who traveled back through time by thinking and then had to return to the present because he saw a shiny penny from 1979 in heaven. they are holding hands and everything is bright and white around them. the credits rolled, i sighed and went to sleep.