-^-for posterity-^-

frustration. the word doesn't do my feelings justice. it's a feeling that actualizes somewhere in the front of your brain. it a dull throb. it feels like the front part of your brain is tightening up like a muscle. you can't stretch it or masage it. you have to let it fester. you let the noisome smell work its way through your body.

i am frustrated because nothing ever goes as it should. i am with a group of teachers at a mountain called cam. we came here for a training retreat. we came here to improve their english and work on motivation. this was supposed to be relativly important and it seemed like we were going to do some tangible good.

the trip started in the early morning. we had to bring the dog because we were going for a couple of days. we don't have anyone we can give him to. he sat on my lap as we boarded a large van. he sat and drooled and eventually vomited between the seats. we thought he vomited everything in his stomach. it was quite a lot. it turns out he still had a bit left over. that he puked all over my shirt and pants. i was covered in dog vomit and had to change clothes in the van before breakfast.

we came to find out that this was not going to be a training retreat at all. the teachers had relaxation and tourism in mind. we ended up going to a variety of mountains and walking up them and ambling randomly. we only were able to have one, short session in which everyone complained. we had prepared for three days. julie, especially, had spent hours gathering information and photocopying it. it all went to waste.

the ten girls on the trip giggled throughout and practiced their vietnamese continuously. every giggle tightened that little part in the front of my brain. every giggle boared into me and burrowed deeply. i need to take deep breaths, go home and do some laundry.