-^-for posterity-^-

earlier, i spoke of ancestral veneration. today, i went to respect my dead relatives.

the day was perfect: blue sky that was flawless, parents that were happy and the sun warming everyone at once.

i took the picture of great aunt ella, sarah and mary's grave stone. it is a plane stone that looks unfinished. i didn't know mary but i have fond memories of ella and sarah. they were the most loving people that i have ever meet. ella was plump and happy. sarah was skinny and serious. they all lived beautifuly humble lives. the grass around the stone is tidy and stiff. i lowered myself to the ground to take the picture. my camera "ka-chunked" and i wound the film along. i moved to the right to take a picture of my great grandparents. my grandmother's parents. my father's mother's parents. i took another picture/ "ka-chunk" i asked dad if he could get in the next picture and he obliged. i decided that i would find a new, fresh angle to snap this picture and i balanced myslef on a sturdy gravestone about a foot and a half above the ground. i began to fall forward, slowly. i was focusing the camera. i landed hard and my ankel twisted and poped. the hole was right above where my great grandmother rests. the pain caused me to roll around on their gravesite yelling in frusteration. we have not venerated our ancestors at all and i konw nothing about the lives of my great grandparents on my father's side. i'm heading off to a new place and i'm not even sure what i'm leaving behind.

she really did hurt me though. i wonder if she meant it? do you think she's floating around and laughing, or crying? or ambivilant? or maybe she's not floating around, maybe she's reincarnated as a beautiful tree. or, do you think she might be a tomatoe plant? or maybe even a slimy frog? what if she's up in a pure white place with blonde streets and a icy blue sky. everyone is dressed in white and a white light explodes from their chests. maybe. what if she's trapped in the ground just listening to what's going on above her, muffled, through six feet of solid dirt? what if it's all bigger than i can possibly immagine. what if it's all for me. what if it's not. what if all she sees is nothing. she might just be in the void.

i konw that this ankle thing is not a big deal and that life moves on and that a million of people have had the same thoughts that i'm having but the pain is still real. the swelling is still there and i'm still immoble. right now, things are real. my reality is infinite and my experiences are fresh. i go forward as an emisary. i'm the product of my great grandparents and i respect that. i promise to learn more about them so as to not twist my ankle again.

do all things out of love.