-^-for posterity-^-

my last day in ho chi minh city for a while. it all feels strange.

i came up to the big city on one of the school's vehicles. in that vehicle i met two wonderful women who had been born in vietnam and had lived in america for the past twenty odd years. they were working with an ngo on some quite important development projects.

upon arrival in ho chi minh city, they asked me if i wanted to eat lunch with them. i didn't have anything to do from about 11:00 am until midnight when i get on my plane and i gladly accepted their invitation. we went out to eat and talk about the world. while we were eating we happened to meet some people who had worked directly with the american/vietnam catfish problems that were spawned by farmers in the mississippi delta. this chance meeting was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

in california there are about two million ethnic vietnamese. they have quite a tight knit community and i know very little about it all. these two worlds came together and i sensed the opportunities that could possibly arise if i would learn more about life in california. i might plan a trip out there upon my return.

on a different note: this city scares me.

i entered their hotel. it was beautiful. i went up to the top floor and looked out over the city from beside the pool filled with europeans in skimpy shorts and bloated bellies. i walked around and starred. i gawked. i had to go outside and chat up a taxi driver to feel comfortable again.

my two new friends also chided me about how vietnamese i really was. they said my english had turned into a hybrid language. it is slow, clear and full of references to vietnamese words and culture. i pronounce american cities and names with vietnamese accent.

there's a character people talk about in vietnam, he's a mixture between mythology and reality, whose name is 'chu hai lua'. he is from a very rural area, like where i teach, and he doesn't know anything about city life. there are a number of stories about his life which all revolve around him coming up to the city and doing silly things or not understanding how things work.

i'm not there at all but my two friends kept joking that i was truly 'chu hai lua'. also, to make matters worse, vietnamese people here joke that i am 'chu hai lua' because of my strong southern accent.

tonight i can eat just about anywhere i could want. of course i couldn't go to a diner and order a weak cup of coffee and a greek salad, but i could go to a pizza place, or get indian food, or thai or korean or anything but i'm really not hungry for any of them. all i really want is a nice bowl of vietnamese soup or maybe some grilled beef. i don't understand. i used to crave the foods i could get up in ho chi minh city just a few months ago.

agh.

maybe this is all nothing. it's probably just in my head. i mean, how many people have spent a good deal of time in a foreign country without ever heading home. how many people have spent two years in a rural area immersed in a culture that is diametrically different from western culture. how many people have worked in this culture, had close friends in this culture and adapted completely only to return home. thousands. millions. this is nothing. this is a walk in the park.

i will go home, walk off the plane and be normal. i will sit in a restaurant and not spit on the floor. i will not touch other people in tactile ways. i will not be shocked by traffic. i will not be shocked by the size of americans. i will not be shocked at people's questions. i will not be shocked by...

so, that's where i am. i'm sitting in what feels like a very opulent internet cafe about to walk aimlessly around this place which feels so familiar and yet i feel so out of place. i feel like i do not belong here and i do belong here. there is such a duality to this experience. i have, on the one hand, had to adapt to this culture. in doing so, i have become a part of this place. i care about this place so i want to be a part of it. i want to be accepted here.

on the other hand, i will never be accepted here. i am not vietnamese and i never will be. i cannot understand the culture. i cannot feel the culture. i can sense it, perceive it and experience it but i will never be it.

on the third hand, i am not as american as i was before i came over here. in leaving my culture, i have missed out on a great deal. i have not experienced all you have back in the states for the past two years except through emails, internet news and the occasional western visitor.

however (no more hands), i also feel like i've learned a great deal about my culture. after having learned about this place, i now feel comfortable making more solid comparisons about how things work for us back home. so, in some ways, i feel like i understand my culture more than ever.

nonsense.