-^-for posterity-^-

i haven't written anything in ages because i've been hiding on my back porch. i'm not terrified to go out and experience 'america', i've just been enjoying sitting on the wicker chairs and staring out at the trees as they sway in the breeze. time seems to eek by when i'm sitting there. i don't have any worries but seem to worry about nothing. it ties my stomach up in knots.

the other day i was given tasks. my family has been wonderful about caring for me and respecting my situation. i was told to go out and get food for lunch.

i woke up after everyone went to work. what a luxury. i was feeling good about the day until i realized that i didn't have a car, i only had my bicycle that i used to use to commute to work two summers ago. the tires were flat and the seat had been lowered and i walked it to the bike shop.

at the bike shop, after an hour of walking with a backpack and feeling the rush of cars as they wooshed towards me and then sucked the air around me as they passed, i found a confusing array of bike pumps and locks. i spent thirty minutes choosing one, paying for it and then another thirty minutes trying to actually pump up the tires. i failed and had to push the bike back into the shop to have a friendly gentleman show me how much of a moron i really was. i thanked him and drove off to the supermarket.

i chained up my bicycle to a bike-rack that sat unused. there were hundreds of parking spots in the lot beside me and i parked in the bushes like an outcast.

pushing a shopping cart, i walked into the disturbingly cold store. i was confronted with a two hundred foot long lunch meat counter and thousands of vegetables and fruits to choose from. i walked around for about ten minutes not choosing anything, just looking at the selection. i walked and stared. i eventually called my brother, rachel and just about anyone else i could think of to feel more at ease. i talked about nothing. just hearing their voices made me more comfortable.

i finally escaped the vegetable section after about thirty minutes. i escaped with some lunch meat and some cheese.

i walked down every aisle. i spent the most time in the potato chip aisle looking at the different varieties of snack foods. low-salt, low-carb pretzels. salt and pepper chips. black corn tortilla chips. there were hundreds and hundreds of things to buy and i didn't want or need any of them but stood and looked at each. i fell in love with every other bag and its glamorous design.

i left two years ago and came back to everyone hating carbohydrates. there's low-carb everything and i never saw it coming. people used to hate fat, not they hate carbs and who knows what's next.

i left and felt a bit like i was home in vietnam. i had frozen pizza hanging from my left handle bar and bags of drink hanging from my right. my backpack was full of other odds and ends and i drove up and down lazy hills eventually gliding silently back up my driveway and feeling like i had finally made it. i conquered the supermarket. i bought the food and made it home in one piece. i smiled and walked back to the porch where i sat on the wicker chair and waited for my brother to come back. he smiled and said hello.