-^-for posterity-^-

i live in a place that is confusing at its core. i live with this strange angst that never really seems to go away. nothing is clearly defined and things are always chaotic. my culture mixes into this culture. my background mixes into this reality. nothing makes complete sense.

at first, everything was new and exciting. there were no problems, only beauty and exotic things. after a bit, things became normal. the old lady carrying two baskets strapped to her shoulders with a bamboo pole, walking down the street hunched under the weight of the fruit she is going to sell today doesn’t bother me. the little boys selling lottery tickets are only a minor nuisance. life has become quite normal, and that is what the problem is.

anywhere you go you are confronted with the confrontation of two cultures. this confrontation is impossible to ignore. it creates an angst inside of you that doesn’t go away.

there is nothing special about me being here to accentuate this pang. i had the same pang in america, when i was driving through the streets of philadelphia. the white, slave master like face of mr. sanders on a brilliantly lit advertisement and the poor, city folks who went in and bought a biscuit and two wings for 99 cents. drive another block and there are the large banks owned by no one but controlling everything. drive another block and there are the statues and symbols of the birth of america. everywhere you go in this grand, modern world we’re confronted by this terrible reality.

oh, yes, it’s impossible to ignore. it’s possible to turn your head and pretend that there are no contradictions and that everything is hunky dory. this surely is a brave new world we live in. if one chooses to do that, i assume their reality isn’t as full as someone who chooses to fully embrace all of the cultural paradoxes that one is faced with in any given day. at least, i believe that one would have a less authentic existence.

the world is, i believe, becoming less and less black and white and more and more grey. things are slowly blending together and, for me, that creates confusion, frustration. it’s a pain that lies somewhere above my stomach. it’s a dull pain that never goes away. there are moments when it is suppressed a bit, a funny situation, extreme joy, sadness, but the pain, when nothing distracts me, is constant.