-^-for posterity-^-

another saturday alone. no appointments and nothing to do.

i got caught in the rain today and it was the highlight of my day. the rain poured down heavily on my head and shoulders. i was walking home and everyone stared at me. they were all hiding under overhangs or in doorways. i walked on and felt tired. my eyes are heavy and my vision blurred. the streets are dirty and your sandals feel gritty. like sandpaper. the rain is cool and hard. the noise of the street dies but is replaced by the roar of the downpour.

dry people stared at me as i passed. they laughed at me and pointed. i hated their laughter and wanted to tell them to stop. it all felt so immature. maybe it was just stupid of me to be out in the rain when i could have just waited it out.

i passed the american consulate and the guards with the large guns were carrying umbrellas. large black umbrellas with thick wooden handles in one hand and a black metal gun in the other. you’d think people willing to kill wouldn’t worry too much about getting wet.

all day long alone. no one to talk to except myself. i smile at myself in mirror a lot more when i’m alone. i tend to get lost looking at myself. there’s no one else to stare at and the lack of human interaction makes for interesting mental exercises.

nietzsche once asked, “is language the adequate expression of all realities?” after attempting to communicate my limited experiences through writing, i believe it’s not. maybe i just don’t have the right words but i’m more inclined to believe that they do not exist.

being alone is a sensation that is very difficult to define. extended periods of time without meaningful human interaction always make me ________. i think anyone who has spent considerable time alone can fill in that space. it’s a wonderful way of defining who you really are and understanding that you’ll really never know.

look in the mirror and say hello to yourself. ignore everyone else for a bit and just feel your weight press against the chair.