-^-for posterity-^-

the group of twenty some students from bluffton will leave tomorrow and i will have much more time to reflect. my time here is collapsing around me like the walls of a brick tower.

we will reflect on our experiences over the last three weeks at a very high class vietnamese restaurant. i will sit with my laptop and record everything i hear. i have been recording their experiences and will boil them down and post them in due time.

they have been everywhere from hanoi to ho chi minh city to the mekong. they have seen much and we have been moving every day. this last day is reserved for shopping and exploring the big city for one last time. they have helped me to see vietnam with fresh eyes again.

while they have helped me see this place in a new light, they have also helped me to get back in touch with american culture. i have been terrified of moving back to america for the two months of summer. i have been trying to place myself in different situations. i have been trying to feel what it will be like. i fail miserably. i am afraid but i hate fear.

what will it be like to sit on the sofa at home again. what will it be like to sit around the dining room table and talk with my family. how have i changed. how have they changed. how will we relate. what will it be like to turn on the television and feel frustrated. what will it be like to talk to people and have them ask me, 'so, how is vietnam?'

how do you answer such a question?

'it's great!'

i will return because i have a ticket which sits in the top drawer of my desk. it hides in the clutter of business cards and other relationships that have not been pursued. i look at it sometimes and when i open the drawer to look for a pen it shouts at me.

i don't know what to think. i am sliding down a slippery slope. i am sliding down and clawing at the earth with my fingers and trying to dig in with my heels but no matter how hard i try i continue to fall. faster. faster. my stomach turns because i have lost control.