i love to sing hymns. i was raised sitting on wooden pews next to my mother and father with a blue book in my hands as a group of people stood together singing in beautiful harmony. the singing wasn't always beautiful, but the tradition made up for any human inadequacy.
i never knew what love meant. i knew the love of my parents, the love of my community and the love of my brother, but i never thought i would understand what love actually meant. love between two people from separate families seemed illusive. it seemed like one of those lofty ideals we so freely preach without really feeling it at our core. (one example i would draw from is our uninhibited use of the word 'freedom' without ever taking into consideration what the word actually means.)
then it happened to me. i fell in love. i fell in love a long time ago and the reason i hadn't talked about it earlier on this website is because, well, i like to be anonymous with what i see and try to make postings as acceptable to a broad audience as possible. this is different. this is me. the following groupings of words are the feelings that are plowing through my person.
her name is rachel lee swartzendruber. for those of us that do not personally know us, it may come as a shock that we are engaged to be married. for those of us who know us personally, i believe little shock is in order.
i have spent the last month with rachel traveling around vietnam. the month before i was busy. those are the reasons i have not written.
we began our journey soon after her plane landed. we traveled down to the mekong delta by bus to attend a wedding in the town where i was working. the wedding was beautiful and we spent our time together looking at the university, the town and exploring the markets and countryside. that was about one week into her stay here.
i proposed to her on top of an observation tower in the middle of a wetland preserve that is off limits to the public at large. i proposed to her by reading a poem i had written about how much she meant to me. i told her how natural i felt when i was with her. i told her how much i need her. i told her how i could think of no one else that i would rather have in my life. i have never met anyone that is so similar to me. i have never spent time with anyone whose differences so nicely compliment my own. she smiled at me with her eyes and her mouth and told me that she would marry me. we stood on top of that tower and felt the cool breeze blow against us. it was perfect.
i guess love is something that happens when two people feel truly honored enough to be sharing the same space. we are honored by each others presence.
the next week of our trip was spent in saigon where we jumped from coffee shop to coffee shop talking and laughing and making wedding plans. we talked about our families; we dreamt about the future, we talked about our fears and what kind of parents we would be. we both, as my grandfather would say, come from good stock.
the last week of our trip was a bit more adventurous. we mounted a motorcycle and strapped a giant, 20$ piece of luggage on the back and drove 5 hours up the coast of vietnam in order to find the beach. the bag was red. it was the red of those tomatoes that one can find in western grocery stores that look as if they have been pressed in God's own genetic mould. it was a flashy bag. the bag made driving all that more difficult but we took our time racing north and eventually found ourselves at the beach. rachel sat behind me and read to me over the roar of traffic. she read from a racy john grisham novel, one that plays on our fantasies and fears. we sat on the beach for one week talking about the same things we talked about in saigon.
i said goodbye to her this morning at 4:30. i stood outside the airport and watched through the giant windows as she lugged her bags onto the security scanner. i stood there in a tan shirt. something welled up inside of me and pushed its way through my eyes. something burned inside of me and i was unable to control it. i could have been a feeling of loss but i don't think so. i felt alone standing there, like i was locked in a cage and there was no way out as the only thing i truly believed in, the only thing in my life that i was solidly sure about, was walking away. i couldn't see as i stood there watching her walk towards the ticket counter. i had to walk away through a sea of people. i cried the whole way home.
today was a sullen day. i drove from ho chi minh city to long xuyen on a motorcycle through hellish traffic. i had a lot of time to think on that drive. i thought about my future, grad school, the book, my work in vietnam, and life back in america. i drove and felt numb. the motorcycle would scream to attention, it would burst out with roars of furry, fear and frustration but i felt none of it. it felt strange to be alone; sure the motorcycle handled better with one person, but that only served as a constant reminder that i was traveling back to a cool, quiet room.
that's where i was the last month. i'm sitting in my room still covered in dirt with the dog lying at my feet.
i sang hymns with rachel. we exhausted our supply of new songs a few days into our trip but kept singing the ones we knew over and over again. we both were raised on those wooden pews. i love to sing to rachel and she claims to enjoy it.
my eyes well up as i stare at a dull blue screen in a dark room. i am alone.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
I woke up this morning at 4:00 in the morning, mounted my motorcycle and began driving. I drove and drove and drove. I was heading for Ho Chi Minh city, a mere 6 hours sitting on a small machine wearing sandals and being assaulted by all sorts of bugs.
Driving in the early morning on a small motorcycle is a challenge, especially without street lamps. I conquered about 2 hours of the road when my phone rang. I frantically pulled to the side of the road and pulled my helmet and mask off. I sat next to a protestant church under construction and said, ?hello??
Ah, it was Rachel on the other end. She said that there were problems with her flight and that she would not be able to make it until tomorrow. I was standing on a dusty path on the side of the road before most people were up hearing that some mechanic in Denver decided that this plane should not be in the air. Really quite incredible.
Hey, in the scheme of it all, things are mostly coming up roses.
Driving in the early morning on a small motorcycle is a challenge, especially without street lamps. I conquered about 2 hours of the road when my phone rang. I frantically pulled to the side of the road and pulled my helmet and mask off. I sat next to a protestant church under construction and said, ?hello??
Ah, it was Rachel on the other end. She said that there were problems with her flight and that she would not be able to make it until tomorrow. I was standing on a dusty path on the side of the road before most people were up hearing that some mechanic in Denver decided that this plane should not be in the air. Really quite incredible.
Hey, in the scheme of it all, things are mostly coming up roses.
Friday, December 31, 2004
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
christmas in long xuyen was, well, lackluster.
eric and i sat around all day and did very little. i worked on some of my projects, even though it was saturday and even though it was christmas. i guess the worst part of the holiday was that my email inbox dried up almost completely.
the world is preparing for the lunar new year celebration. the flower market is being built back up again along the bank of the river. people are finishing up with their work before the holidays arrive, as things tend to get busy before there is a break. pepsi, and this i find fascinating, decided to ditch their trademark blue boxes in favor of red boxes that look quite like coca-cola boxes. we all know that red is quite a lucky color over the holidays.
in one week, rachel lee swartzendruber will come out to visit me. we will spend time in ho chi minh city and then down in the delta. it promises to be a wonderful time and i am excited beyond anything i could possibly describe. before she comes, however, i am obliged to finish writing my book. i am now sitting at my computer from sunrise to well into the evening trying to translate the vietnamese sections into english. my fingers hurt from typing. my eyes hurt from straining. this is the reason that i have not been writing anything of substance.
blessings to all this holiday season and have a wonderful new year.
eric and i sat around all day and did very little. i worked on some of my projects, even though it was saturday and even though it was christmas. i guess the worst part of the holiday was that my email inbox dried up almost completely.
the world is preparing for the lunar new year celebration. the flower market is being built back up again along the bank of the river. people are finishing up with their work before the holidays arrive, as things tend to get busy before there is a break. pepsi, and this i find fascinating, decided to ditch their trademark blue boxes in favor of red boxes that look quite like coca-cola boxes. we all know that red is quite a lucky color over the holidays.
in one week, rachel lee swartzendruber will come out to visit me. we will spend time in ho chi minh city and then down in the delta. it promises to be a wonderful time and i am excited beyond anything i could possibly describe. before she comes, however, i am obliged to finish writing my book. i am now sitting at my computer from sunrise to well into the evening trying to translate the vietnamese sections into english. my fingers hurt from typing. my eyes hurt from straining. this is the reason that i have not been writing anything of substance.
blessings to all this holiday season and have a wonderful new year.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
IV Tet
One day that is extremely important for Vietnamese people is the Lunar New Year. Most Americans would recognize the Vietnamese word for the holiday, ‘Tet’, because of the famous uprising throughout the South in 1968.
There, however, is quite a difference from the way I understood ‘Tet’ before I came to Vietnam and how I understood the word after words. In American I didn’t understand the customs of this very important holiday. My first ‘Tet’ experience happened at the beginning of 2003 which I had been in Vietnam for about four months and before I had many friends. At school, one person told me that during ‘Tet’ everyone stays at home.
Americans who visit Vietnam always notice how packed the streets are and possibly can’t imagine a day when everyone is at home. Maybe my friend meant to say, ‘Many people stay at home.’ I guessed wrong.
The first day of Tet, 2003, the year of the Goat, I woke up early. At about 8 o’clock in the morning I went out to try to find something to eat but was greeted with a surprise. Vietnamese flags were posted all over the sides of the roads but no one was there. It even appeared like the myriad dogs that usually passed back and forth searching for food had even found homes. No people, no animals but a plethora of flags. I was hungry but I didn’t know what to do, surprised by the absence of people and traffic.
It’s hard to imagine the Vietnamese streets as silent as they are during the Lunar New year celebrations. I had to pedal my bicycle quite far just to find a place to eat. My first ‘Tet’ experience was seeing that empty road and no food.
The 2004 celebrations, the year of the Monkey, were quite different. At that time I had made friends with many people and many of those people invited me over to their house to eat with their families. I was really excited to experience ‘Tet’ with a family because I had heard so much about this day but didn’t at all understand it.
The last day of the 2003 lunar year was a very special day for me. I ate with my friend’s family and was given a new Vietnamese name. I am now named H? Minh Trí and I truly felt like a member of the family. I felt lucky to have two families: one in America and one in Vietnam. They even considered me their son.
That night we sat down and ate a delicious meal. My friend told me that if I wished my new parents good health, happiness and the like I would experience another Vietnamese custom. I walked up to them and wished that everything went their way in the year of the Monkey. After that, I was given a red envelope with lucky money in it. I was quite content with my new family. They allowed me to experience ‘Tet’ not like a foreigner who was staying and leaving but as a true member of the family.
After we had eaten the year of the Monkey was almost upon us. We went and prayed to the family’s ancestors at the alter of the house and then went to the local pagoda to wish all of our friends and neighbors a happy new year.
Following my experiences of the Lunar New year, I believe that society as a whole implodes and everyone spends time with their most important relationship. The first day is for only the most important people in your life, your parents. You have to wish them health and happiness because they gave you life, you have to give thanks to your ancestors because; ‘To drink the water is to remember the source’.
However, before everything implodes, everyone has to wish all of their friends a happy new year. It’s almost like people are saying, ‘I’m about to go home for about three or four days and we won’t have a chance to meet. Have a good ‘Tet’.’
After we prayed at the pagoda and wished our friends happiness, I went home and slept the first night of the New Year. ‘Tet’ doesn’t really begin until the first day of the Lunar New year. The last day of the last year is the day that everyone will wish everyone else health and happiness before they spend time with their family and other people very important to their lives.
The first day of the New Year is a day for the family and also one custom I really enjoy called ‘Ng??i xông ??t’. This phrase is used to describe the first person to enter your home who isn’t a member of your family after the New Year begins. Depending on their social status or personal life, the following year will be lucky or it will be bad. In America we don’t have a concept like this and I was quite afraid to be the first person to enter the house of a stranger. That’s one of the reasons that my friend’s family gave me a new name, so I could eat with them and I wouldn’t be considered to be breaking any of the rules.
I spoke with a bunch of people and always ask them if they really believe in that custom. Most say that only a few people in the family follow that custom but it really isn’t everyone.
The first day of ‘Tet’ I didn’t know what to do but I also didn’t want to go out and visit friends because I didn’t want to be the first stranger to enter the house after the new year arrived if that family had wanted someone else to come.
Before I experienced ‘Tet’, I had asked my friend this question, ‘If everyone is at home, what do they end up doing?’ My friend said that most of the time is spent eating together. It was hard to imagine spending a whole day simply at home without going out at all.
I woke up a little late and ate with my new family. We sat around and ate a wonderful meal and talked about life, desires and the future. One full day of doing nothing except talking about life with people who are the closest to you in your life is very special because our modern lives are so busy and they rarely afford us an opportunity like that. If there wasn’t the ‘Ng??i xông ??t’ rule and if people didn’t spend so much time at home, the ‘Tet’ holiday just wouldn’t be the same. We need to talk in order to understand each other better.
The second day of the Lunar New year is when every family goes and visits the ancestral homeland. We went and spoke to other members of the family who were also making the trip.
In America we don’t have anything that is similar to the Lunar New year in Vietnam. We have Christmas and that day is very important for many Americans but not for everyone. Christmas is also a day for family but it isn’t as important, or doesn’t last as long as the Lunar New year. Also, if you want to spend time with friends on Christmas after your family as been together, it isn’t really a problem.
Thanksgiving is also an important day for many families because it isn’t necessarily religious. Most Americans spend time together over Thanksgiving but it still isn’t the same as the Lunar New year. Thanksgiving is only one day and there are not the 10 days to travel around and meet people as there are in the Lunar New year celebrations of Vietnam.
The Lunar New year celebrations are extremely important for the people of Vietnam. While everyone has their separate lives on a normal day, when ‘Tet’ rolls around each family comes together and celebrates themselves. It’s just as if society implodes and everyone spends time with their most important relatives on the same day. The Lunar New year begins at the beginning of the month and stretches until the end of January. After spending time with your family, you move out and meet other families until all of Vietnam is reunited through familial ties and normal life can begin again.
One day that is extremely important for Vietnamese people is the Lunar New Year. Most Americans would recognize the Vietnamese word for the holiday, ‘Tet’, because of the famous uprising throughout the South in 1968.
There, however, is quite a difference from the way I understood ‘Tet’ before I came to Vietnam and how I understood the word after words. In American I didn’t understand the customs of this very important holiday. My first ‘Tet’ experience happened at the beginning of 2003 which I had been in Vietnam for about four months and before I had many friends. At school, one person told me that during ‘Tet’ everyone stays at home.
Americans who visit Vietnam always notice how packed the streets are and possibly can’t imagine a day when everyone is at home. Maybe my friend meant to say, ‘Many people stay at home.’ I guessed wrong.
The first day of Tet, 2003, the year of the Goat, I woke up early. At about 8 o’clock in the morning I went out to try to find something to eat but was greeted with a surprise. Vietnamese flags were posted all over the sides of the roads but no one was there. It even appeared like the myriad dogs that usually passed back and forth searching for food had even found homes. No people, no animals but a plethora of flags. I was hungry but I didn’t know what to do, surprised by the absence of people and traffic.
It’s hard to imagine the Vietnamese streets as silent as they are during the Lunar New year celebrations. I had to pedal my bicycle quite far just to find a place to eat. My first ‘Tet’ experience was seeing that empty road and no food.
The 2004 celebrations, the year of the Monkey, were quite different. At that time I had made friends with many people and many of those people invited me over to their house to eat with their families. I was really excited to experience ‘Tet’ with a family because I had heard so much about this day but didn’t at all understand it.
The last day of the 2003 lunar year was a very special day for me. I ate with my friend’s family and was given a new Vietnamese name. I am now named H? Minh Trí and I truly felt like a member of the family. I felt lucky to have two families: one in America and one in Vietnam. They even considered me their son.
That night we sat down and ate a delicious meal. My friend told me that if I wished my new parents good health, happiness and the like I would experience another Vietnamese custom. I walked up to them and wished that everything went their way in the year of the Monkey. After that, I was given a red envelope with lucky money in it. I was quite content with my new family. They allowed me to experience ‘Tet’ not like a foreigner who was staying and leaving but as a true member of the family.
After we had eaten the year of the Monkey was almost upon us. We went and prayed to the family’s ancestors at the alter of the house and then went to the local pagoda to wish all of our friends and neighbors a happy new year.
Following my experiences of the Lunar New year, I believe that society as a whole implodes and everyone spends time with their most important relationship. The first day is for only the most important people in your life, your parents. You have to wish them health and happiness because they gave you life, you have to give thanks to your ancestors because; ‘To drink the water is to remember the source’.
However, before everything implodes, everyone has to wish all of their friends a happy new year. It’s almost like people are saying, ‘I’m about to go home for about three or four days and we won’t have a chance to meet. Have a good ‘Tet’.’
After we prayed at the pagoda and wished our friends happiness, I went home and slept the first night of the New Year. ‘Tet’ doesn’t really begin until the first day of the Lunar New year. The last day of the last year is the day that everyone will wish everyone else health and happiness before they spend time with their family and other people very important to their lives.
The first day of the New Year is a day for the family and also one custom I really enjoy called ‘Ng??i xông ??t’. This phrase is used to describe the first person to enter your home who isn’t a member of your family after the New Year begins. Depending on their social status or personal life, the following year will be lucky or it will be bad. In America we don’t have a concept like this and I was quite afraid to be the first person to enter the house of a stranger. That’s one of the reasons that my friend’s family gave me a new name, so I could eat with them and I wouldn’t be considered to be breaking any of the rules.
I spoke with a bunch of people and always ask them if they really believe in that custom. Most say that only a few people in the family follow that custom but it really isn’t everyone.
The first day of ‘Tet’ I didn’t know what to do but I also didn’t want to go out and visit friends because I didn’t want to be the first stranger to enter the house after the new year arrived if that family had wanted someone else to come.
Before I experienced ‘Tet’, I had asked my friend this question, ‘If everyone is at home, what do they end up doing?’ My friend said that most of the time is spent eating together. It was hard to imagine spending a whole day simply at home without going out at all.
I woke up a little late and ate with my new family. We sat around and ate a wonderful meal and talked about life, desires and the future. One full day of doing nothing except talking about life with people who are the closest to you in your life is very special because our modern lives are so busy and they rarely afford us an opportunity like that. If there wasn’t the ‘Ng??i xông ??t’ rule and if people didn’t spend so much time at home, the ‘Tet’ holiday just wouldn’t be the same. We need to talk in order to understand each other better.
The second day of the Lunar New year is when every family goes and visits the ancestral homeland. We went and spoke to other members of the family who were also making the trip.
In America we don’t have anything that is similar to the Lunar New year in Vietnam. We have Christmas and that day is very important for many Americans but not for everyone. Christmas is also a day for family but it isn’t as important, or doesn’t last as long as the Lunar New year. Also, if you want to spend time with friends on Christmas after your family as been together, it isn’t really a problem.
Thanksgiving is also an important day for many families because it isn’t necessarily religious. Most Americans spend time together over Thanksgiving but it still isn’t the same as the Lunar New year. Thanksgiving is only one day and there are not the 10 days to travel around and meet people as there are in the Lunar New year celebrations of Vietnam.
The Lunar New year celebrations are extremely important for the people of Vietnam. While everyone has their separate lives on a normal day, when ‘Tet’ rolls around each family comes together and celebrates themselves. It’s just as if society implodes and everyone spends time with their most important relatives on the same day. The Lunar New year begins at the beginning of the month and stretches until the end of January. After spending time with your family, you move out and meet other families until all of Vietnam is reunited through familial ties and normal life can begin again.
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